There are many times when we feel lost and hopeless. We begin to seek pleasures, pleasures which can cause bodily harm and affect ourselves negatively. We always try to find an escape, a place where we can feel that little bit of happiness, even if it’s for a short while. I’ve felt a lot during my childhood, experience child abuse, verbal abuse, and then my father leaving. These are the things that can tear a person apart. We have so much hurt, that it builds up and it eats away at us, making us feel less and less like ourselves. I was almost completely lost. I was lucky to have friends that helped me, helped me find a purpose in my life, and showed me that I can be better than my past, that I can be eventually become myself.
During my childhood my mother was strict, I wasn’t allowed to be out at certain times, I had a lot of chores, I couldn’t have visitors, I had to listen to my older sister and I could only play on my video game system whenever I was given permission. There were times when I would be hit for playing outside, there were times when I was hit for laughing, I was hit a lot and every time I was hit I lost trust in the person that takes care of me. I was scared of doing anything, even eating, if I ate certain foods that I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to eat, I would be hit. There was a lot of discipline that came without cause, other than that I should be disciplined for my actions, which were nothing than a kid being a kid. I remember when I went visiting and I didn’t know that it was late, because I didn’t know how to tell time, my mother came to the place that I was visiting grabbed me by my ear and started yelling into it. She grabbed my handheld game threw it to the wall and told me to get ready, I put on my jacket and my boots, and then we started walking home. She had my handheld in her pocket and gave it back to me when we got home, but there was no point in giving it back to me, because it was broke and unplayable. I was sadden by this and pouted. This was another one of the many things that made me feel less about myself. I didn’t feel less because of the video game being broken, it was the fact that I couldn’t read the time.
There were a lot of things that made me feel bad, I struggled throughout school because I couldn’t read, write, or anything. I had a few small talents, I was able to draw and imagine places that I wanted to escape to. I remember I would always dream of flying away from home. I would dream that I grew wings and I would fly every I wanted, there was nothing that was able to stop me, nothing. There’s a lot this dream could mean and people can interpret it differently. I feel like this dream was telling me to keep dreaming and make my pains disappear here. I would dream of worlds were there was only happiness and freedom and warmth. I found a piece of me inside my dreams, these dreams kept me happy for years. These dreams were the reason I wasn’t sad all the time. I found a piece of me inside of every drawing that I did. I was slowly putting myself back together through the years. During high school I began to struggle, but it wasn’t because of my helplessness, it was because of bullies. I struggled because I was told to never fight back and was told that we are to never hit another person. I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to fight back, I told my mother I can’t let them keep doing this to me. I eventually fought back and after that, all of my bullies left me alone.
Everything that has happened in my life help contribute to me, finding myself. I am not mad, sad, angry, or anything because of what happened. The people who treated me poorly and the people who left me behind, I am thankful for all of this lessons that they taught me. I kept learning more and more. I am the person that I am today because of them. They helped me work harder, they helped me heal faster, they are the reason I want to be better and want the world to be better. I still haven’t found exactly what I want to do with my life, I have an idea, but it may not be the thing that I stick with. I am still searching for myself and probably will keep searching until I am in my old age.
There are many stories that I can tell about my childhood and about my high school life, but I will share those at a later time. I want to share my thoughts on how we can find ourselves. Where we find ourselves and where to look.
I feel like that everything about us is scattered into the winds and spread across the world, we will eventually find all the pieces not all at once, but even after death. There is a piece of ourselves in each person we meet, we gather these pieces not physically but emotionally and spiritually. We know that we collected a piece of ourselves when that person resonates with us and they bring warmth to our hearts and make us feel happy. We meet so many people every day of our lives that not all of them connect with us, like others do, it just takes time for this connection to develop. There are a great many people who would distance themselves from us, because they probably haven’t developed a lot of personal connections to other people, they’ve been hurt a lot, or they are suffering from personal conflicts. We may not get to connect with the people that we want to, but we just sometimes have to let go and keep searching else where. We also can find ourselves inside the pets that come into our lives, they become part of us and we become part of them. We feel love for them as much as they do. Even the small objects we find during walks into nature, travels, books, etc. We find ourselves everywhere. We are infinite. Even the people around us find us in the little things. They tell us, that they were thinking about us because they came across a certain seed, painting, drawing, book, etc.
I see a lot of the people and places that I know and love inside of a lot of things I come across. Every time I see the autumn trees, I think of my first home, Granville Lake. I grew up there for a lot of my childhood. I see the trees as connecting me back to home. They give me the memories of a place that I felt happy to be. The simplicity of playing outside in the yard, playing in the leaves, fishing, helping my father with the wood cutting, and eating the yummy blueberries. I find myself in the yellow colored beautiful leaves hanging on the trees.
There are many things that we can find ourselves in. I keep searching and I am truly happy with a lot of the encounters I made. I hope everyone finds who they are and what they want to be and who they want to be. We can never really say that we are ourselves without first acknowledging that we are all connected and we are all one in the same. The things that we don’t like about someone is something we don’t like about ourselves. We have the find the qualities and ignore the flaws of everyone we come across. Because, we are in everyone and everyone else is in us!