Hope

We sometimes hope to see someone again that has left us, we sometimes hope to be millionaires, we sometimes hope for a new start. We hope for a lot of things, but there are things we never have to hope for. Like clean water, fresh air, family, food, because these are things we may already have access to. I remember hoping to get new clothes when I younger, because the clothes that I was wearing were too small and were beginning to fall apart. I also remember hoping for a new game or game console. These were the kinds of things I hoped for when I was a kid. As I got older things that I hoped for I had and then I began to hope for new things, like shoes, popularity, iPods, etc. I wanted a lot more, a lot of the things that I hoped for were never really necessary, but I wanted them because they would make me feel better and make me feel cool. I never understood why I could never get the things that I wanted, but as I grew older and matured I realized that there are things that your parents can and cannot afford. I hoped for someone to notice my cool new shoes and then I would my mom and dad would be together again. I had two separate things I hoped for in my life, things that I wanted and things that I needed. Like I wanted shoes. But I needed my family to be whole again, so I could stop crying every time I saw dad. I always asked him when he was coming home and he said he can’t. Then I would cry more. I would hope and hope that one day my family would be whole again. I eventually grew out of it, I stopped hoping for that. I knew that those kinds of things will not alway happen. My mom and dad are still separated, but my relation with my dad is perfect. My family may not have been whole or together when I was younger, but they are together in my heart.

I no longer hope for thing that I know that I can get. I only hope things that I know I am unable to achieve on my own. I am capable of doing a lot of things on my own and if I want something, I will get it. Like if I want shoes, I will buy shoes. If I want more games, I will buy more games. If I want pizza and pop and chips, I will get it. I am not longer limited to the things that I want. I can go out to the store and grab whatever I want on the spot. If I am unable to get things at the store I go online and purchase it. I no longer for miniscule things. I now hope for larger and more prized things. I hope that one day I will travel the world. I hope that I will change the world. I hope that I am able to provide a future for my family and friends. I hope that I can make a difference in each persons life that I meet. I hope that I wake up every morning. I hope that my family is safe. I hope that health is okay. I hope that I will always be happy. There is so much that I hope for. I know that my hopes can only go so far and there is only so much that can be hoped for.

I am not saying stop hoping for things, your hopes are the only things that you come up with and those things motivate you. Keep hoping, you are motivating yourself to keep your hopes up and to eventually get the things that you want and need. Hope for things are possible and don’t rely on them, because sometimes thing we hope, we can achieve and get our own. We have to believe in ourselves as much as we believe in the hopes we have.

 

-EB

No limits

Trying to keep my mind active as possible when I am awake is a real task. Because, I want to be as productive as possible and do everything efficient as possible. This is part of training my mind and my body. Being aware that I am not completely ready for certain tasks or noticing that I am still lacking in some areas and that I need to improve. I have this problem. It’s called being lazy and I like to make excuses for when I am lazy. I can think of a million things as to why I deserve to be lazy and continue to be lazy for the rest of the day, the week, or the month. I try not to let myself fall victim to these kinds of things too often, but there are times where I do slip and I readjust and try again. I try to keep myself disciplined and maintain a schedule so that I am able to complete as many tasks, plans, ideas, and other projects. Doing this allows me to train my mind and body and stay disciplined.

You have no idea the wonders of getting your first real job and how life changing that is. I was jobless back in 2012 and I wasn’t able to find any work in the small town that I live in. I keep trying and trying. I was brought on to the town volunteer fire department and did that for couple of months. To my luck, the manager of the store was also on the fire department and he got to know the type of person that I am and the type of attitude I have towards work. He eventually got a hold of me and offered me a job at the local grocery store. Where I have been working for the past 6 years. I was on social assistance since I was 18, then when I finally got my job at the coop, I got off social assistance and have never needed it since. I worked my way up the ladder. I now make a pretty decent pay cheque, I am the second most senior employee at the store, I am also the store’s Union Shop Steward, and I am full-time.

When I first started working there, I wasn’t impressed with the pay as it was low and I was expecting more. But then I realized, I was getting two of these kinds of pay cheques in a month as a opposed to $310.95 a month. I was getting $270.00 every two weeks. That’s $540.00. Which means I making more than I was when I was on social assistance. The more I worked, the more responsibilities were dropped on me. The more responsibilities dropped on me, meant it was time for me to ask for more pay for the amount of work I was doing, this is what I thought was fair. I talked to my manager, which was a different manager then the one that hired me, he agreed that I was doing more work and that it would be fair for me to get a raise. After my raise I kept climbing the ladder and then eventually took on the role as the Shop Steward and then I wanted to make more hours and eventually became full-time. After I became full-time, I haven’t been happier. I worked to get this far and I only want to keep climbing. I almost to the top.

I am just saying, the more excuses you make, the less you will be able to do. You are limiting yourself from your own potential. You just have to reach out and try. I didn’t know that I was capable of doing the things I do today. Like, I didn’t know that my opinion had any weight to it, until I actually started speaking and having people hear what I had to say on the subject or the matter. I have been very open about how feel things are being done and how we could be doing things more efficiently and more productively. Don’t limit yourself and don’t limit those around you. You never know what some people are capable of and what you are able to do. Our actions help shape the world around us and then it begins to ripple to others, thus causing an effect, one of which is good for all.

-EB

Thoughts…

I am always thinking of what to share and how to share. I try not to filter myself, but I also don’t want to be vulgar and aggressive when sharing my opinion and thoughts. There is a time for everything and there is also no time to waste. I am trying to be productive and always wanting to share my thoughts on certain subjects; such as, indigenous culture, healing, progress, northern life, and community. My opinion may not be the same as others, but it’s my opinion and what I believe in at the present time. Opinions change, just as the wind blows, different things effect that. I don’t want to cater to the opinion of others and I certainly don’t want my blog to be a place of hate. I know that I mention a lot of returning to where we were, but really, I am saying is that we adapt to the modern culture and make our traditions live through this process. Because, there is no way that we can go back to the way it was. It is impossible. There are governments, laws, policies, and regulations always in place that prevent the “old ways” ever coming back. There is of course preservation and maintenance of knowledge that has been passed down. People have been passing the history of our people and the history of the north through words and not really writing it. We can preserve ourselves by writing the stories and the traditions on paper and make it live forever.

I’ve read articles of different nations that have adapted to the modern world have flourished. They own businesses and protect lands and make jobs for their people. This is the kind of adaptation I would like to see for all of us in the north. Not just Northern Manitoba but all over the country. If we were to do the things that the other nations are doing, we too can reap into the life of the wealthy and still be helping our people and the land and the history of our ancestors. We don’t have to industrialize the lands, the food, ourselves, we just have to find better economical marketing. Like tourism, camping, workshops, art, music, and teaching respect of the land and animals.

I believe we can make a difference in our nation and help our people become healthier, stronger, and more resilient than ever before. We can show how resilient we really are and how much we are able to adapt and make this world of ours a better place for people of any nation and any color. Our hearts are in the right place, but we have to change the thinking that has been instilled into many of our friends, family and country. We also have to be careful when doing this change, because not many will agree. it’s not a matter of disagreeing and agreeing, it’s a matter of making a future for those whose life will be affected from our decisions and how they are going to live their lives with our changes and choices.

This of course is my opinion on this subject…

-EB

Self belief: Strength and Power

My family are all religious and go to church and all that stuff. Me on the other hand, I am not religious and don’t really know if I will ever be, but I love and respect my family for what they believe in. I haven’t been able to really believe in a god or a supreme being; I was a little kid and my mother and father were always fighting and sometimes I would get caught in between the yelling and swearing. That I would get hit. I remember, every time that I got hit, I would pray to god and ask him to help me. Allow me to get away from this home and these people, because they were hurting me. I never got a response or nothing changed for me. So, I stopped praying and started to do things on my own. I didn’t ask for help and tried my best to learn everything on my own. I know my family would credit God for the person that I am today, but it wasn’t God that gave me strength, it was the friends and people that I met each day that made me who I am and my own willpower. I earned everything that I have today. God didn’t give me my job, I did. God didn’t make me smarter, I did. God couldn’t help me when I needed it the most, then he doesn’t get credit for my achievements. When someone asks me if I believe in God or have any religious belief, I tell them that I believe in myself, that is where all my power comes from, self belief. You can keep praying all that you want, I will not judge you, but believing in yourself has so much more power than any prayer.

During my school days, I was constantly bullied for my poor apparel, being tall, my given names, my smile, anything that they could tease me about, they teased and teased. When you are teased about your smile, do you really want to smile again? I know that I didn’t wan to. These are the kinds of things that slowly destroy a person, not a lot of people understand that, especially those that have never been on the opposite side of bullying. I stopped smiling for a long while. I worked harder when it came to improving myself. I got tired of not being as good as some of the people that would play sports. I got tired of being a walking target. I began to excel at things that I wanted to, not what people wanted, I kept drawing, I kept writing (even though it was poorly written), I kept trying to beat everyone at sports, I kept trying until I eventually got better at everything I did. My self esteem grew and so did my maturity and my mind. I eventually dropped out of school and tried looking for work, whenever I was given a job, I always gave it my all, never less than 100%. I built a pretty decent resume and kept looking for more work and eventually landed a job at the store I work at now today. Because of all my hard work, I was able to get a permanent job and was able to better improve myself. I have worked at this store for 5 years always giving it 100%. Always.

Believing in yourself doesn’t stop at finding a job, finishing school, becoming a writer, etc Believing in yourself grows as much as we do, whenever we do things that make us happy, we achieved this happiness on our own, we earned it. I know if I didn’t eventually believe in myself, I would end up like a lot of the people that I know and see everyday. They aren’t happy, they can crack a smile, but they aren’t happy. Because, they rely on a system that makes them dependent. If I ended up like that, I believe I wouldn’t be here today, because I had already went through enough, I wouldn’t want to be stuck for the rest of my life. Many people don’t know much about, other than what they hear. I work hard and always have since I was 15 years old, I wanted to make my own money, so I can own things that I know that I worked for. Not given to me. I wanted to in charge of my life. Because of this self belief, I could be happy living in the woods with the wildlife and nature, I could live on an island all lone and nothing would change me, I could live in the city, and I would still believe I could make it. No obstacle can hold me from my dreams, my passion, my happiness, my freedom, and from my love of everything around me.

It’s this self belief that has given me the strength and power that I always dreamed of ever since I was a kid. I always wanted to have the power to defend myself, the strength to say “no”, the power to carry any burden, and the strength to forgive. I learned so much from so many people, I thank them all for believing in me and allowing to become a better person everyday. There are so many people I wouldn’t be able to name them all. I know that they know that I am thankful for their love, education, caring, and belief in me. If it wasn’t for the people around me, I probably would’ve had a harder time to believe in myself, but here we are today. Happy.

Thank you for reading.

-EB

Finding who we are…

There are many times when we feel lost and hopeless. We begin to seek pleasures, pleasures which can cause bodily harm and affect ourselves negatively.  We always try to find an escape, a place where we can feel that little bit of happiness, even if it’s for a short while. I’ve felt a lot during my childhood, experience child abuse, verbal abuse, and then my father leaving. These are the things that can tear a person apart. We have so much hurt, that it builds up and it eats away at us, making us feel less and less like ourselves. I was almost completely lost. I was lucky to have friends that helped me, helped me find a purpose in my life, and showed me that I can be better than my past, that I can be eventually become myself.

During my childhood my mother was strict, I wasn’t allowed to be out at certain times, I had a lot of chores, I couldn’t have visitors, I had to listen to my older sister and I could only play on my video game system whenever I was given permission. There were times when I would be hit for playing outside, there were times when I was hit for laughing, I was hit a lot and every time I was hit I lost trust in the person that takes care of me. I was scared of doing anything, even eating, if I ate certain foods that I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to eat, I would be hit. There was a lot of discipline that came without cause, other than that I should be disciplined for my actions, which were nothing than a kid being a kid. I remember when I went visiting and I didn’t know that it was late, because I didn’t know how to tell time, my mother came to the place that I was visiting grabbed me by my ear and started yelling into it. She grabbed my handheld game threw it to the wall and told me to get ready, I put on my jacket and my boots, and then we started walking home. She had my handheld in her pocket and gave it back to me when we got home, but there was no point in giving it back to me, because it was broke and unplayable. I was sadden by this and pouted. This was another one of the many things that made me feel less about myself. I didn’t feel less because of the video game being broken, it was the fact that I couldn’t read the time.

There were a lot of things that made me feel bad, I struggled throughout school because I couldn’t read, write, or anything. I had a few small talents, I was able to draw and imagine places that I wanted to escape to. I remember I would always dream of flying away from home. I would dream that I grew wings and I would fly every I wanted, there was nothing that was able to stop me, nothing. There’s a lot this dream could mean and people can interpret it differently. I feel like this dream was telling me to keep dreaming and make my pains disappear here. I would dream of worlds were there was only happiness and freedom and warmth. I found a piece of me inside my dreams, these dreams kept me happy for years. These dreams were the reason I wasn’t sad all the time. I found a piece of me inside of every drawing that I did. I was slowly putting myself back together through the years. During high school I began to struggle, but it wasn’t because of my helplessness, it was because of bullies. I struggled because I was told to never fight back and was told that we are to never hit another person. I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to fight back, I told my mother I can’t let them keep doing this to me. I eventually fought back and after that, all of my bullies left me alone.

Everything that has happened in my life help contribute to me, finding myself. I am not mad, sad, angry, or anything because of what happened. The people who treated me poorly and the people who left me behind, I am thankful for all of this lessons that they taught me. I kept learning more and more. I am the person that I am today because of them. They helped me work harder, they helped me heal faster, they are the reason I want to be better and want the world to be better. I still haven’t found exactly what I want to do with my life, I have an idea, but it may not be the thing that I stick with. I am still searching for myself and probably will keep searching until I am in my old age.

There are many stories that I can tell about my childhood and about my high school life, but I will share those at a later time. I want to share my thoughts on how we can find ourselves. Where we find ourselves and where to look.

I feel like that everything about us is scattered into the winds and spread across the world, we will eventually find all the pieces not all at once, but even after death. There is a piece of ourselves in each person we meet, we gather these pieces not physically but emotionally and spiritually. We know that we collected a piece of ourselves when that person resonates with us and they bring warmth to our hearts and make us feel happy. We meet so many people every day of our lives that not all of them connect with us, like others do, it just takes time for this connection to develop. There are a great many people who would distance themselves from us, because they probably haven’t developed a lot of personal connections to other people, they’ve been hurt a lot, or they are suffering from personal conflicts. We may not get to connect with the people that we want to, but we just sometimes have to let go and keep searching else where. We also can find ourselves inside the pets that come into our lives, they become part of us and we become part of them. We feel love for them as much as they do. Even the small objects we find during walks into nature, travels, books, etc. We find ourselves everywhere. We are infinite. Even the people around us find us in the little things. They tell us, that they were thinking about us because they came across a certain seed, painting, drawing, book, etc.

I see a lot of the people and places that I know and love inside of a lot of things I come across. Every time I see the autumn trees, I think of my first home, Granville Lake. I grew up there for a lot of my childhood. I see the trees as connecting me back to home. They give me the memories of a place that I felt happy to be. The simplicity of playing outside in the yard, playing in the leaves, fishing, helping my father with the wood cutting, and eating the yummy blueberries. I find myself in the yellow colored beautiful leaves hanging on the trees.

There are many things that we can find ourselves in. I keep searching and I am truly happy with a lot of the encounters I made. I hope everyone finds who they are and what they want to be and who they want to be. We can never really say that we are ourselves without first acknowledging that we are all connected and we are all one in the same. The things that we don’t like about someone is something we don’t like about ourselves. We have the find the qualities and ignore the flaws of everyone we come across. Because, we are in everyone and everyone else is in us!

-EB

Bravery: Overcoming fear

We are afraid of everything; dying, losing a loved one, being fired from a job, being homeless, the dark, the day, friendship, hardship, loneliness, and many other things that we individually fear.

There is no right way to overcome them, there is no wrong way either, but there is a way, there always is.

When we were young, we experienced our first fear to be of the dark or monsters, but we overcame those fears because we knew, that our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, will always be around to protect us. We knew that they wouldn’t let anything happen to us, they would comfort us and sing songs to help us relax and not be afraid, because the boogeyman can’t hurt them. You would always wonder why when you were running on the sidewalk, climbing up a high place, or doing something you would consider ridiculous to even think of doing today, your mom or dad would tell you to stop it or be careful; you would always think that they don’t want you to have fun, but the real reason was, because we didn’t know that they feared the harm or death of us. The people who protect us from monsters and bad people have a fear and they do such a good job of hiding that fear, they’d make sure everyday that we lived, we lived knowing that they care and are afraid to lose us.

There are two kinds of fear, Permanent and Temporary. Permanent fears are fears that will always be inside of our hearts and sitting in the back of heads for all eternity. Temporary fears are fears that will eventually perish and disappear into non-existence.

Example of Permanent Fear: We will always fear knowing that one day we will die at any moment. This is something we are unable to stop, because it is going to happen regardless of what we do.

Example of Temporary Fear: We will sometimes fear  things in life like sky diving, failing a test, but these fears are temporary, because once we’ve given them a try we aren’t afraid of them any more. We’ve overcome this fear.

How we overcome fear is to see how we perceive the idea of it. When did I become afraid of this/that and why am I afraid of it? These two questions should always come to mind, they will help you find a solution to your particular fear(s). When you ask yourself this, you will take the time to slowly remove this idea and it will become clearer why it even came to exist. Taking these steps will assist you in your endeavor to be stronger than the fears that weigh on you.

When I was young I used to always be afraid of sleeping, so I would stay up late and watch television and wait until it was daylight then go to sleep. I was afraid because of the fear that that guy kills you in your sleep would come and kill me in my sleep. I shouldn’t have watch Nightmare on Elm Street, I had nightmares all the time and would be afraid that the man would eventually kill me in my dreams. I overcame this fear when I remembered why I was afraid, I was afraid because my sister told that he would get me if I didn’t listen to her, I would always not listen to her, and would not sleep at night; I finally made the choice to sleep and relax, that’s when my fear of this man faded, because I knew he wasn’t real and I didn’t have to listen to my sister. I eventually became a pro at sleeping, gained the ability to lucid dream making my nightmares nothing more than a story to be told.

Why fears become so powerful, is because like a bully, we enable them to be. If we take a breath and look at them in a different view, we can overcome them and forget that we were ever afraid to sleep, to have fun, to make friends, etc.

-EAB